MAN,DOG & WIFE

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffinwas a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And Iknow now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the

second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Please Join the queue."

THE LOVING HUSBAND

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"?

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: " $ 70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks:

"Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

For a change this one is SARDARNI!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Sardarni gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming

from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,

sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..

The sardarini rushes downstairs to grab the phone,

but just as she's dailing her four-year-old son comes up and says,

'Mommy! Mommy! Your sister, Aunt Amrit Kaur is hiding in your Wardrobe, and

she's got no clothes on !

The sardarini slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,

right past her husband, and rips open the Wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the

Wardrobe floor.

'You rotten 'B****', she screams, 'My husband's having a heart attack,

and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

Banta's Mom letter

Dear Banteya
Vahe Guru !

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad.. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.


P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

THE BLIND MAN!!!

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children…

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her

eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of

the blind man and says to him,

'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that

ticking sound is driving me crazy!!

The blind man replies:

'If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in

the bus! So shut up and keep walking!!!!'

Issued in Public Interest by Ministry of Family Welfare...!! !!!!!!!

Venkatraman Mukherjee Singh

A man boards a flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous

woman boarding the plane.

 

He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to his. 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks 'Business trip or vacation?'

 

She turns, smiles, and says, 'Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention.'

 

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist!

Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, 'What's your business role at

this convention?'

 

'Lecturer,' she says, 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

 

'Really?' he says, swallowing hard. 'What m-m-m-myths are those?'

 

'Well,' she explains, 'one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is

most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, whereas actually it is

the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardar.'

 

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. 'I'm sorry,' she says, 'I shouldn't be discussing

this with you. I don't even know your name!'

 

' Venkatraman !' the man blurts out. ' Venkatraman Mukherjee

! But all my friends call me Joginder Singh !'

MURPHY LAWs

Murphy's Laws

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. 

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

 

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else. 

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

 

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

 

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

 You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

 As soon as you mention something.. if it is good, it is taken.. If it is bad, it happens.

 He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen... If you have a pen, you don't have paper... if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students---- 

If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together ,and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker    

If Columbus had been married?

If Columbus had been married, he might never have discovered America because of the following ...

*   Where are you going?
*   With whom?
*   Why?
*   How are you going?
*   To discover what?
*   Why you?
*   What do I do, when you are not here?
*   Can I come with you ?
*   Coming back when?
*   Dinner ghar par hi khaoge?
*   Mere liye kya laoge?
*   It seems you deliberately made this ....
*   Don't lie....
*   Why r u making such programs
*   You seem to be making a lot of such programs
*   Why?
*   I want to go to my parents place
*   I want you to come and leave me
*   I don't want to come back....
*   I will never come back....
*   Why are u not stopping me....
*   I don't understand what is this discovery chakker?
*   You always do like this.....
*   Last time also u did like this....
*   Now a day's u always seem to do like this....
*   I still don't understand what else is balance to be discovered..

GOD & POST OFFICE

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.   The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.  A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna

 

POSITIVE APPROACH

DOCTOR & 3 PATIENTS

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him, "OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies, "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients did. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

VALUE TIME & FRIENDS & DEAR ONEs

 An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says,

'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up. 


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming forour anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'

MORAL:

No man / woman is busy in this world all 365 days.

The sky is not going to fall down if you take few days LEAVE and meet your dear ones.

OFFICE WORK IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE and MONEY MAKING IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE

Marwadi at his best

Marwadi: Kela Kaisa Diya?                                                  
S.K: 1 Rs.                                                                
Marwadi: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?                                            
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.                                  
Marwadi:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de                        
                                                                          
Marwadi on his death time.                                                
My wife, where r u ?                                                      
Wife:Yes, I'm here                                                        
My sons daughters ru all here?                                            
Yes, Papa                                                                  
Marwadi:To phir barabar wale kamre                                        
ka pankha Q chal raha hay ???                                              
                                                                            

Marwadi 14th floor se neche gira                                          
Girte waqt usne                                                            
apni ghar ki khirki me                                                    
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha                                        
to chilla k bola                                                          
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!                                                    
                                                                            
Marwadi ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.                        
Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.                                        
Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,                                      
Marwadi ne phir khoon dia.                                                
Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye, Marwadi:Ghusse se poocha :  
mercedez kion nahi di?                                                    
Sheikh:Munna. !! Ab hamarey ander bhi Marwadi ka khoon daud raha hay      
                                                                            
Marwadi called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai,    
kya charges hongay?                                                        
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word..                                                
Marwadi: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye".            
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!                              
Marwadi: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... .......... ..      
Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale .                                      
                                                                            
Marwadi ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?                  
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.                                                  
Marwadi ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:                                
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.                                      
                                                                          
Marwadi ko bhoot charh gaya ,                                              
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola, Ojha sahab mujhe      
bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga                        
                                                                            
Titanic K Sath Marwadi Bhi Doob Raha Tha Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha            
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?                                              
Marwadi: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda          

NO INTENTIONS FOR INSULTING ANY MARWADI.....POSTED IN GOOD HUMOUR!!!!

SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

 

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".  

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: 

 

"We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

 

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

 

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. 

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

 

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

 

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

 

This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

 

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !! 

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you  crazy?" .. 

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."  

Husband:"That' s it. We are happy ever after."

POP UP MENU

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

STYLE

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'


Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

Counselling

A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage.When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

GOOD ONES!!!

Sardar: I haven’t slept all night in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn’t you exchange?
Sardar: Oye, there was nobody 2 exchange in the lower berth...

* * *

A teacher lecturing on population –
In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop her!

* * *

Sardar-why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar- If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

* * *

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
Again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!

* * *

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "You will go to jail".

* * *

Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.
Sardar: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

* * *

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

* * *

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It’s already raining.
Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go.

* * *

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
Arrey yaar, what ever you order first will come first.

* * *

Sardar wins Rs.20 crores from Rs.20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 crores after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me Rs.20 crores or else return my Rs.20 back!

* * *

Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet
Sardar:- Why did you come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

* * *

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for divorce.
Judge asked: How'll you divide, you’ve3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR

* * *

Sardar's wish: When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

* * *

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror!

* * *

Flash news: A 2-seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

R U A ARMY OFFICER!!!

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said, "Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period". Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board. Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you Doctor: But, I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings. Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you ... Doctor: I can not treat you, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal. Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first: Doctor: OK. Tell me. Man: I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night. I get up in the morning like a horse I go to work running like a deer I work all the day like a donkey I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday. I wag my tail in front of all my bosses I play with my children like a monkey if I get time. I am like a rabbit before my wife Doctor: are you an army officer?

Shiny Jokes!!!

Q: Whats Shiney Ahuja's

fav song ?

A: Maid in India !

Q: What kind of disorder does Shiney have ?

A: Bai-polar disorder

Q: What is Shiney Ahuja's fav mode of transportation?

A: Bai-cycle

Q: What kind of food does shiney like?

A: Home Maid !

Q: Who is Shiney's fav football player ?

A: Bai Chung Bhutia

Q: What is Shiney Ahuja's fav subject?

A: Bai-ology

Q: In cricket, what way does Shiney get most of his runs

from?

A: Leg-Bai-es.

Q: Which Song did Shiney sing with N'Sync

A: Bai Bai Bai !

Q: What is Shiney's fav Enrique Iglesias song?

A: Bai-lamos

Shiney Ahuja took the 'Where in Mumbai should you

live' Facebook quiz, it said he should live in the

suburb of Bai-culla.

Q: Why was Shiney Ahuja picked by the Ministry of External

Affairs for a official foreign trip?

A: Because he is bai-lingual.

Q: What did Shiney Ahuja say to the police?

A: Let the bai-gones be bai-gones. Let me go home

Q: Why did Shiney Ahuja rush into the doctors dispensary?

A: Because the doctors sign-board said Bai-pass surgeon.

Q: Why was Shiney Ahuja shooed away by the guards outside a

public event?

A: Because it said Bai-standers not allowed.

Q: Why did Shiney Ahuja hop on Virar-express train ?

A: Because it stops at Bai-andar station.

Q: Why did Shiney Ahuja want to be in the governing body of

an organization?

A: Because he wanted to pass a new bai-law

Q: Why does shiney Ahuja like horror movies ?

A: Because he can see Bai-yanak scenes

Q: What type of code did Shiney Ahuja write when he was a

programmer?

A: Bai-nari code

Q: Why does Shiney Ahuja like the Chinese?

A: Because he heard the slogan 'Hindi-Cheeni

bai-bai'