HAPPIER PEOPLE@MEN

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, ****head and **** for Brains..

EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument..

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams..

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

thanks pelia sir

MEN!!!!!!!!

At an Irish wedding reception recently the master of ceremonies yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

5 NICE LITTLE STORIES

1. Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the People gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella...

THAT'S FAITH

2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her...

THAT'S TRUST

3.Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next Morning but still we set the alarms in our watch to wake up...

THAT'S HOPE

4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties...

THAT'S CONFIDENCE

5. We see the world suffering. We know there is every possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married??...

THAT'S OVER CONFIDENCE!!

OPPORTUNITY KNOCK ONCE

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,

'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him point blank, killing him instantly.. 

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,

'Did you see me rob this bank?' 

The man smartly replied... 

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-

-

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-

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"No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

- Moral -

When Opportunity knocks....

MAKE USE OF IT !!!!  

ALOCHOL IS GOOD FOR DRIVING?

Please, take care of yourself.  A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.    This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a**holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause twice as many accidents.  This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.

Fact versus Opinions

Many times we create confusion when we add our own opinions to facts
and come up with wrong conclusions.

For example:

FACT: Two people are whispering when you walk up. Suddenly they stop talking.
OPINION: They must be gossiping about me.

FACT: A new lady is appointed in my department.
OPINION: They will ask me to leave!

FACT: He has reported about me to authorities.
OPINION: They will blacklist me. I am now ruined & finished!

Many a times we tend to behave negatively due to our own adverse
opinions. We feel people per se are hostile & unfriendly. We become
anxious & fearful for no good reason in a situation which is
relatively safe.

It is said: “Men are disturbed not by things that happen, but by their
opinions of the things that happen.”

GURMUKH & BUSH

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'

'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army'

'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'


Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.

'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'

Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'

'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne.... .. We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'

Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'

'Tera bhala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'

'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!'

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat pat, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

LUCKY PERS

The good old Santa Singh

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Santa Singh, when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry ! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So Santa Singh scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, Santa tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" Santa answered breathlessly.
"That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope..... Just when it's raining".

And who said Santa did not have presence of mind !

One liners

1. I say no to alcohol,
It just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way
You're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

7. Born free,
Taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory,
Some just don't have film..

9. Life is unsure;
Always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile,
It makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses,
They are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer...
What I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech,
Why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind,
Are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush,
Leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them,
Confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you.
It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes,
So, I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

24. The cigarette does the smoking,
You are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

26. Whenever I find the key to success,
Someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human,
To forgive is not a company policy.

28. The road to success....
Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
But, if you think again, neither does milk.

30. In order to get a loan,
You first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

Engine & heart

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car .

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…......

.

.

.

...

..

..

Doctor said : " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

MBAs vs CAs

7 MBA and 7 CA's are going from PUNE to Mumbai.

So both groups gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying

to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE - MUMBAI) :

7 MBA take only 1 Ticket and 7 CA's buy all 7 tickets...

CA's are desperately waiting for TC to come......

When TC arrives,

All 7 MBA get in one toilet So when TC knocks, one

hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes away....

CA's say "Dekh lenge"

NOW on return Journey all of them don't get a direct

train to PUNE.

So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they

can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :

CA's decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equally SHAANE"....

All 7 CA's take 1 Ticket &

MBA don't buy ticket at all!!!!!..

TC arrives....

All CA's in one toilet &

All MBA's in the opposite one..

One MBA gets out and knocks the door of CA's toilet,

One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in

MBA Bathroom...

TC drives out all the CA's from the toilet and they are heavily

fined........

tai tai fissssssss..

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA-PUNE) :

So now both the group on LONAVALA station..

CA's planning their move for last chance.. they board the local to PUNE.

This time CA's decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

All CA's take 1 tickets... & MBA buy all 7 tickets this time...

So TC comes....

All MBA show their tickets.....

CA's are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL............

Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,

10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in

The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back

After 6 hours and then analyze

The situation.

If they are counting the

Bricks.

Put them in the accounts

Department.

If they are recounting them..

Put them in auditing ..

If they have messed up the

Whole place with the bricks.

Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the

Bricks in some strange order.

Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the

Bricks at each other.

Put them in operations .

If they are sleeping.

Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks

Into pieces.

Put them in information

Technology.

If they are sitting idle.

Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried

Different combinations, yet

Not a brick has

Been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for

The day.

Put them in marketing...

If they are staring out of the

Window.

Put them on strategic

Planning..

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each

Other and not a single brick

Has been

Moved.

Congratulate them and put them

In Top management

POWER CUT

ERRONEOUS E-MAIL

A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston ,
a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.


After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
*

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 18 december 2009



I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They gave computers here,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in..
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow

THE BLIND MAN!!!

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children…

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her

eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of

the blind man and says to him,

'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that

ticking sound is driving me crazy!!

The blind man replies:

'If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in

the bus! So shut up and keep walking!!!!'

Issued in Public Interest by Ministry of Family Welfare...!! !!!!!!!

GOOD ONES!!!

Sardar: I haven’t slept all night in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn’t you exchange?
Sardar: Oye, there was nobody 2 exchange in the lower berth...

* * *

A teacher lecturing on population –
In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop her!

* * *

Sardar-why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar- If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

* * *

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
Again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!

* * *

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "You will go to jail".

* * *

Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.
Sardar: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

* * *

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
You know why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

* * *

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It’s already raining.
Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go.

* * *

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
Arrey yaar, what ever you order first will come first.

* * *

Sardar wins Rs.20 crores from Rs.20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 crores after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me Rs.20 crores or else return my Rs.20 back!

* * *

Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet
Sardar:- Why did you come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

* * *

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for divorce.
Judge asked: How'll you divide, you’ve3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR

* * *

Sardar's wish: When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

* * *

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror!

* * *

Flash news: A 2-seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

Shiny Jokes!!!

Q: Whats Shiney Ahuja's

fav song ?

A: Maid in India !

Q: What kind of disorder does Shiney have ?

A: Bai-polar disorder

Q: What is Shiney Ahuja's fav mode of transportation?

A: Bai-cycle

Q: What kind of food does shiney like?

A: Home Maid !

Q: Who is Shiney's fav football player ?

A: Bai Chung Bhutia

Q: What is Shiney Ahuja's fav subject?

A: Bai-ology

Q: In cricket, what way does Shiney get most of his runs

from?

A: Leg-Bai-es.

Q: Which Song did Shiney sing with N'Sync

A: Bai Bai Bai !

Q: What is Shiney's fav Enrique Iglesias song?

A: Bai-lamos

Shiney Ahuja took the 'Where in Mumbai should you

live' Facebook quiz, it said he should live in the

suburb of Bai-culla.

Q: Why was Shiney Ahuja picked by the Ministry of External

Affairs for a official foreign trip?

A: Because he is bai-lingual.

Q: What did Shiney Ahuja say to the police?

A: Let the bai-gones be bai-gones. Let me go home

Q: Why did Shiney Ahuja rush into the doctors dispensary?

A: Because the doctors sign-board said Bai-pass surgeon.

Q: Why was Shiney Ahuja shooed away by the guards outside a

public event?

A: Because it said Bai-standers not allowed.

Q: Why did Shiney Ahuja hop on Virar-express train ?

A: Because it stops at Bai-andar station.

Q: Why did Shiney Ahuja want to be in the governing body of

an organization?

A: Because he wanted to pass a new bai-law

Q: Why does shiney Ahuja like horror movies ?

A: Because he can see Bai-yanak scenes

Q: What type of code did Shiney Ahuja write when he was a

programmer?

A: Bai-nari code

Q: Why does Shiney Ahuja like the Chinese?

A: Because he heard the slogan 'Hindi-Cheeni

bai-bai'