OPPORTUNITY KNOCK ONCE

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,

'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him point blank, killing him instantly.. 

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,

'Did you see me rob this bank?' 

The man smartly replied... 

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"No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

- Moral -

When Opportunity knocks....

MAKE USE OF IT !!!!  

EMAIL ID OF RAJINIKANTH!!!!!

its gmail@rajinikanth.com

ALOCHOL IS GOOD FOR DRIVING?

Please, take care of yourself.  A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.    This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a**holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause twice as many accidents.  This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.

Fact versus Opinions

Many times we create confusion when we add our own opinions to facts
and come up with wrong conclusions.

For example:

FACT: Two people are whispering when you walk up. Suddenly they stop talking.
OPINION: They must be gossiping about me.

FACT: A new lady is appointed in my department.
OPINION: They will ask me to leave!

FACT: He has reported about me to authorities.
OPINION: They will blacklist me. I am now ruined & finished!

Many a times we tend to behave negatively due to our own adverse
opinions. We feel people per se are hostile & unfriendly. We become
anxious & fearful for no good reason in a situation which is
relatively safe.

It is said: “Men are disturbed not by things that happen, but by their
opinions of the things that happen.”

GURMUKH & BUSH

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'

'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army'

'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight'


Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush asked.

'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'

Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'

'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne.... .. We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'

Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'

'Tera bhala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why the sudden change of heart'

'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!'

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat pat, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

LUCKY PERS

The good old Santa Singh

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Santa Singh, when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry ! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So Santa Singh scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, Santa tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" Santa answered breathlessly.
"That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope..... Just when it's raining".

And who said Santa did not have presence of mind !

One liners

1. I say no to alcohol,
It just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way
You're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

7. Born free,
Taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory,
Some just don't have film..

9. Life is unsure;
Always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile,
It makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses,
They are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer...
What I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech,
Why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind,
Are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush,
Leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them,
Confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you.
It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes,
So, I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

24. The cigarette does the smoking,
You are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

26. Whenever I find the key to success,
Someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human,
To forgive is not a company policy.

28. The road to success....
Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
But, if you think again, neither does milk.

30. In order to get a loan,
You first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

Engine & heart

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car .

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…......

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...

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Doctor said : " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

MBAs vs CAs

7 MBA and 7 CA's are going from PUNE to Mumbai.

So both groups gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying

to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE - MUMBAI) :

7 MBA take only 1 Ticket and 7 CA's buy all 7 tickets...

CA's are desperately waiting for TC to come......

When TC arrives,

All 7 MBA get in one toilet So when TC knocks, one

hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes away....

CA's say "Dekh lenge"

NOW on return Journey all of them don't get a direct

train to PUNE.

So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they

can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :

CA's decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equally SHAANE"....

All 7 CA's take 1 Ticket &

MBA don't buy ticket at all!!!!!..

TC arrives....

All CA's in one toilet &

All MBA's in the opposite one..

One MBA gets out and knocks the door of CA's toilet,

One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in

MBA Bathroom...

TC drives out all the CA's from the toilet and they are heavily

fined........

tai tai fissssssss..

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA-PUNE) :

So now both the group on LONAVALA station..

CA's planning their move for last chance.. they board the local to PUNE.

This time CA's decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

All CA's take 1 tickets... & MBA buy all 7 tickets this time...

So TC comes....

All MBA show their tickets.....

CA's are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL............

Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,

10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

THE BEST DETECTIVE

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers,

"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says,

"Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says,

"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds,

"What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds,

"Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,

"The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get

back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy,"

the SARDAR replied.

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"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

PERFECT HUSBAND

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man

ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on

pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized

that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts

with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do

not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with

the money, I will certainly help you." "I would

have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette

instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from

his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious

to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket

and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy

the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the

brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going

to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some

tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the

whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by

saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as

betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come

to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up

in anticipation of receiving at least something from the

man. But he still had his doubts and asked the

man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with

you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in

The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back

After 6 hours and then analyze

The situation.

If they are counting the

Bricks.

Put them in the accounts

Department.

If they are recounting them..

Put them in auditing ..

If they have messed up the

Whole place with the bricks.

Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the

Bricks in some strange order.

Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the

Bricks at each other.

Put them in operations .

If they are sleeping.

Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks

Into pieces.

Put them in information

Technology.

If they are sitting idle.

Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried

Different combinations, yet

Not a brick has

Been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for

The day.

Put them in marketing...

If they are staring out of the

Window.

Put them on strategic

Planning..

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each

Other and not a single brick

Has been

Moved.

Congratulate them and put them

In Top management

POWER CUT

ERRONEOUS E-MAIL

A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston ,
a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.


After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
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To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 18 december 2009



I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They gave computers here,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in..
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow

Alcohol Trouble Shooting

BEWARE of these side effects of Alcohol & Take necessary care!!

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.

Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).

Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause: You're lying on the floor.

Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.

Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.

Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.

Cause: You're being dragged away.

Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

5. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.

Cause: You're in an ambulance.

Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.