One liners

1. I say no to alcohol,
It just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way
You're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

7. Born free,
Taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory,
Some just don't have film..

9. Life is unsure;
Always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile,
It makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses,
They are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer...
What I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech,
Why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind,
Are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush,
Leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them,
Confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you.
It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes,
So, I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

24. The cigarette does the smoking,
You are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

26. Whenever I find the key to success,
Someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human,
To forgive is not a company policy.

28. The road to success....
Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
But, if you think again, neither does milk.

30. In order to get a loan,
You first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

Engine & heart

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car .

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…......

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Doctor said : " Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

MBAs vs CAs

7 MBA and 7 CA's are going from PUNE to Mumbai.

So both groups gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying

to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE - MUMBAI) :

7 MBA take only 1 Ticket and 7 CA's buy all 7 tickets...

CA's are desperately waiting for TC to come......

When TC arrives,

All 7 MBA get in one toilet So when TC knocks, one

hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes away....

CA's say "Dekh lenge"

NOW on return Journey all of them don't get a direct

train to PUNE.

So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they

can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :

CA's decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equally SHAANE"....

All 7 CA's take 1 Ticket &

MBA don't buy ticket at all!!!!!..

TC arrives....

All CA's in one toilet &

All MBA's in the opposite one..

One MBA gets out and knocks the door of CA's toilet,

One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in

MBA Bathroom...

TC drives out all the CA's from the toilet and they are heavily

fined........

tai tai fissssssss..

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA-PUNE) :

So now both the group on LONAVALA station..

CA's planning their move for last chance.. they board the local to PUNE.

This time CA's decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

All CA's take 1 tickets... & MBA buy all 7 tickets this time...

So TC comes....

All MBA show their tickets.....

CA's are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL............

Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,

10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days

THE BEST DETECTIVE

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first SARDAR answers,

"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says,

"Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says,

"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds,

"What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds,

"Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,

"The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get

back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy,"

the SARDAR replied.

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"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."